33

Chapter 33

I came to with a really big eyeball inches away from my face. My first thought was that I'd been abducted by aliens. Then I realized it was just Edgar leaning over me and checking for signs of life. The giant eyeball retreated back to its normal size and I tried to get up, seeing that I was lying on my back in the alley. Confused, I asked the status of reality and how I'd come to be lying on my back with the need for a Giant Eyeball Inspection.
"Are you alright?" Edgar the Eyeball asked. (People are required to say things like this in situations like that).
"One must be careful with the sharp spear of irony," I replied. Then added "What happened?" which is another thing people in my immediate situation are required to say.
"These boys jumped you and hit you over the head with a lead pipe. Came out of the blue, so to speak," Ethyl said.
"Oh. That must have been that feeling I felt."
"Probably," Edgar replied. "Ethyl was planting some of her dandelions in that crack over there when she heard the commotion of it all. Apparently, during the scuffle--which consisted of you being hit over the head then falling down, so it was over really fast--a taser and some tear gas fell out of your pocket. Ethyl was able to reach them before the hoodlums did and she scared them away by pointing the tear gas can at them. I don't think they were professionals."
"Good observation, Edgar. Ethyl, I owe you many thanks."
"Oh, Brody, you know that old saying about wilted lettuce and brothers. I was just doing my job as a friend. We should get that nasty cut healed up, though. Look at that. There's blood all over your little smiley face T-shirt. It's a shame."
We deposited the taser and tear gas canister in the dumpster, retiring them from service in a way, and began to walk home.
"I need toothpaste," I said, to one one in particular.

    -Extra Strength Tylenol
    -deodorant
    -paper towels
    -V8 juice
    -coffee
    -toothpaste
    -Miracle Whip
    -dishwashing detergent

    -Rand McNally United States road atlas